neda week 2022
February 21, 2022 NEDA Week & My story
Social media is this magnificent tool we have at our finger tips that allows us to share our stories for anyone who cares to read them. Unfortunately, it can also be a source of negative feelings stemming from comparison. I am embarking on a new chapter of my “story” where I am going to start blogging because I recently wrote a blog post for my vocal coaching business and remembered how much I just love to write! Because of the timing, I am kicking this off with my story of survival. I vow that you can always find authenticity, transparency, truth (ugly or not!) and reality in what I share.
This week is NEDA week (national eating disorder awareness week).
I had a very long struggle with disordered eating and although I don’t believe it defines me, I always share my story when this week rolls around because I know somebody out there is probably silently struggling like I once did, and maybe my story can help them start to get the help they need.
Eating disorders are incredibly tricky to navigate because they are complex and widely misunderstood. The terrifying reality is that approximately every 52 minutes, someone loses their life to their eating disorder. According to ongoing studies by Dr. Stern at Rockefeller University; with the exception of opioid addiction, eating disorders are the deadliest of mental illnesses. Much is still unknown about how and why some people suffer from disordered eating and it affects over 30 million people in the United States alone.
My battle with disordered eating began around the age of 12 or 13 but really became problematic around the age of 17 and I didn’t really feel like I had a grip on it until about the age of 30- not that long ago! I was a master at hiding the hell that was brewing under the surface of my life and if anyone ever noticed my strange behavior or started asking questions, I usually pushed them away. Secrecy is the fuel that drives the success of this disease and until I stopped hiding it, it ruled my mind and ultimately my life. At my worst, I was malnourished, depressed, facing kidney failure, flighty and flaky because if I was having a really hard day, I couldn’t show up for commitments I had made.
My path to healing wasn’t quick and it was absolutely from a large variety of efforts. I did therapy with several different therapists, one used something called EMDR and it was amazing. A therapist recommended I try yoga and I actually hated it the first time I went! I think it’s because the last thing on earth I wanted to do was be still enough to be present which meant feeling my feelings and hearing my thoughts. I committed to trying different kinds of yoga until I found one that worked for me and I am so thankful I did. Yoga has truly saved my life- that can be a blog entry of its own. I also read about and incorporated intuitive eating into my lifestyle and figured out what kind of daily habits I can maintain that really contribute to my mental health and wellness. My daily habits are exercise/mindful movement that feels great, never like a punishment, gratitude, time in nature and time for stillness. There was never a “click” or a sudden shift- it was a long uphill path but I’m so grateful to be on a smoother trail these days.
I was pretty terrified to be pregnant because even though I was pretty confident my ED days were behind me, my brain doesn’t handle weight gain or body changes well, but I honestly believe the most impactful chapter of my body journey has been the magical gift of becoming a mother. I mediated, prayed, did yoga, took walks, I did WORK while I was pregnant because I wanted my mind to be a really lovely place and early on I decided there would be no obsession over pounds, dieting, restricting- only nourishing and joyfully honoring the needs of my body and trusting that what she was “craving” was exactly what she needed. What a concept, ya’ll!! I can’t believe I waited to get pregnant to treat myself with such grace and reverence. I would crave really specific things like spaghetti squash and then I would read about how it’s incredibly high in folic acid or something the baby was definitely needing at that time and I would think “omg look at my body knowing what’s up!!” As pregnancy was ending and it was almost time to birth a whole human, in the back of my mind were these thoughts of “what if my body doesn’t snap back” “what if I relapse because I can’t lose the baby weight?” “How am I gonna deal with no exercise for that long when that’s what keeps me sane?” And when I tell you, the minute I locked eyes with Kansas- those thoughts died. My body had been through war (haha almost 40 hours of unmediated labor- maybe another blog post?) but I never felt more amazing about this warrior body. I would look at my baby and burst into tears of disbelief that my body I had been so ugly to could create, nourish and deliver such absolute magic. I’m working hard to maintain a super positive body acceptance home so hopefully my angel baby won’t have to battle these demons.
I could talk about this all day, so I’m going to stop here. I do want to advise- if you or someone you know is struggling with an eating disorder- get help. Now. Don’t wait. Be gentle if you think someone may be struggling with an ED. Don’t accuse. Don’t assume. Don’t take it personally. Don’t judge. Don’t minimize. Don’t comment on what/how/when they’re eating or their weight. Be loving and available. Be kind. Find help and resources at www.nationaleatingdisorders.org If you are currently in a crisis, please dial 911, call 1-800-273-8255 or text “NEDA” to 741741
If you’re still reading this, holy crap we did it! First blog down. Let me know what else you’d like to read about. Speak the truth even when your voice shakes, baby!!